By Joshua Vise – March 11, 2025

Published in Blink of an Eye by CultureCult Press. Lulu: Paperback or EPUB

Hello, sir.  How can I help you?

Self-defense, eh?  We’ve got you covered.  Let’s just step up to the counter here, and I’ll introduce you to some options.  Before we get started though, can I see some ID?  State requirement, you know.

Alright.  Let me tell you something.  I love my job, and I’m here to help everyone, no matter their knowledge or prior experience.  I’m not here to judge, so don’t be nervous.  If you’re honest with me, I’ll be able to help you better.  Oh yeah, occasionally we get those dick-wagging, cowboy types who think they know everything.  They’re very easy to spot.  They just start pointing around at things in the case or on the wall, spitting stats as if they designed the damn things.  Or talking about the last time they used them, and how they made a shot at such-and-such distance or whatever.  Oh, I still sell to them.  I don’t even interrupt them.  Just let them have their moment, and by the end, I’ll have them leaving with something shiny. That’s all well and good.  After all, that’s how I put food on the table.

But it’s people like you, just starting out, where I can really make a difference.  It’s a loaded topic, no pun intended.  Everyone feels like they gotta put in their two cents, but if you start right, you can avoid the pitfalls and the trends, and get down to brass tacks.  Don’t get me wrong, a suppressor-ready handguard with a top rail mount looks badass.  I’ve got a few of them at home, myself, and I’ll sell you one today, even.  But I want you to know what you’re getting.  What’s a suppressor-ready handguard?  Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself.  So let’s start with the basics.

Now, don’t be insulted, but you told me you’re a newbie, so I’m gonna start all the way at the beginning.  You know the difference between a handgun, rifle, and shotgun?  I mean, you may be able to tell by looks.  We’ve all seen movies.  But I’m not talking about looks.  I’m talking about performance, and since you’re thinking about home defense, I’ll frame things around that topic.

Let’s start with the rifles, just to get it out of the way.  You got a few options here, and a few of the big names like the Springfield… and of course, all of the AR variants.  Those are the ones you can really trick out, like Legos.  Just snap the pieces together, and you’ve got your own custom firing platform.  But we’re not gonna talk about products until we talk about performance, so I’m gonna set this to the side, and…oh, you want to hold it?  Yeah, sure.  Go ahead.  Heavier than you thought, right?  But yeah, let’s talk about performance, and for that, we’re gonna look at some bullets.

Now there are a lot of euphemisms around the industry.  Some you can ignore, but one that really matters is ‘terminal performance’, which is just fancy talk for what a bullet does when it hits that fucker who’s trying to kick his way through your front door.  Yeah, I saw that on the news, too.  In fact, I’m the one who sold him the ammo.  Did its job that day, I’ll say.  But yeah, a rifle’s great for an odd situation like that one when you might have to plug someone through a door or a wall or something, but really, I don’t recommend it.  Those soft tip bullets are built to mushroom out on impact.  They can put a fist-sized hole into a torso at a hundred yards.  Believe me, I’ve seen it.  Guy came in here with pictures two years ago…aftermath of a home invasion.  He was using those Super-Shock 308 soft points down at the end of the case…that blue box.  Cops didn’t even need cuffs, just a mop.  But even with that kind of round, the ‘terminal performance’ profile isn’t really gonna match your tactical situation very well.  Tactical situation, that’s another euphemism.  It just means how you go about shooting that guy before he shoots you.  Anyway, fire one of those off, and it’s gonna rip through the guy and through the guy behind him and fuck up something you don’t want to have to fix later.  So unless you’re also hunting, or live on a farm without any neighbors around, I’d save these guys for a little further down the trail.

Here, I’ll take that.  Back on the shelf it goes.  Let’s move on to the shotguns.

Now, this is the only time I like to offer something with a bit of swagger to it.  This bullpup shotgun here.  Here you go.  Yeah, they’re all heavy.  That’s craftsmanship.

Looks like it’s from the future, doesn’t it?  Feels like it, too.  That’s because they moved the action from in front of the trigger to behind it.  Makes the whole thing way shorter.  Why would you want that?  Well, if you’re chasing someone through a hallway, and around a bend, a shorter barrel means you can clear those corners and get through doorways and still keep the guy in your sights.  Five-round magazine, semi-auto, so you can plug away without having to pump it.  And the terminal performance?  Depends on the load, but for a tactical situation, I use 12-gauge National Defense brand shot.  It’ll nearly cut a guy in half without messing up the drywall behind him.  From holes, I mean…you’ll probably still have to repaint.  Trigger pull is a bit tighter, too, so you don’t have to worry about accidentally firing it.  Ideally, you shouldn’t have your finger on the trigger at all until you’re ready to shoot, but some of these ‘home invasion’ situations can really test your attention to detail.

I’ll hang that back on the wall.  Looks good up there, right?

Listen, I think it’s time you level with me.  I’ve been in the business for almost thirty years, so I can size a guy up pretty quick.  There are all these little ‘tells’ you can spot if you know what to look for, just like with a poker player.  And you’ve been showing me your whole hand since you stepped in.  I told you before, I’m not here to judge.

We’re not talking defense, are we?  We’re talking offense, right?  Don’t say anything, though.  If you say it, I can’t sell you anything.  I gotta report it, and it will go into a database, and the other sellers will see it, and before you know it, you’re locked out of the system.  Screwed.  You don’t want that.  

Yeah, it’s not like you even need to say anything.  I saw your address on your ID.  I know that place, and I’ll be the first to say ‘It’s about goddamn time’.  That corner’s been a problem for years.  I’m buddy-buddy with a lot of law enforcement, you know, and they’re hamstrung by procedural nonsense over the whole thing.  They can’t do anything about it, even though everyone knows what’s been going on there for years.  Frankly, I think if more people stepped up, society would be a lot better for it.

So let’s look at the handguns, and given your unique ‘tactical needs’, I’m gonna put up a few suggestions that I normally wouldn’t offer.  Firstly, you’re gonna want something high-capacity.  You’re gonna have the advantage, but that doesn’t mean everything.  There’s more of them than you, and I guarantee they’ll be packing, too, so you’ll want to put them all down without having to reload.  So, rather than a pistol, I’d suggest a pistol-variant.  We keep ‘em in the back.  Just a second.

Alright, here’s one right here.  Doesn’t look like a pistol, does it?  That’s because it really isn’t.  See?  It’s a modified rifle frame.  Lighter than a rifle by almost half.  Go ahead, hold it.  I always thought they looked a bit like those blasters from Star Wars.  Anyway, they’re lower caliber, like a pistol, and you can use them one-handed, like a pistol, but they’ll still take a 30-round magazine.  And with a light trigger-pull, you’ll be faster than anything that’s not fully automatic.  Nine millimeter rounds are super generic, too, so you don’t have to worry about anything coming back to get you in the aftermath.

Good choice!  You know, since it’s a pistol variant, and not a pistol, there’s no mandatory three-day waiting period, so I can box it up for you right now.

Thanks for coming in, and happy hunting!